This is your testicles. This is your testicles on pants.

Privates are the new publics

Wildly popular social media campaigns like free the boob were supported by a great many people on both sides of the pews, of every race, creed and color! Thanks to the success of television and social media, the glory of women’s rights came to full fruition, like a flower rising from cracks in the concrete flinging its bra at your face with authority and defiance. But what of the lowly man? When will meninism take the spotlight? Yes, friends, while we have been so successfully freeing the boobs, we’ve almost forgot about our affectionate little friends, the jingly bits, the family jewels, Prince Rupert’s drops. Friends, today I’m talking about freeing the balls!

Xenu hath declared that the plumbs must remain outside of the body because they need to be a little cooler than the man upstairs, in order to cultivate proper sperm development.

Wearing tight pants increases the average temperature of your harry daniels, causing overall sperm production to plummet due to testicular hyperthermia!

Likewise, men who keep their hot laptop atop their coin purse also experience heating of the taters that can reduce sperm viability, in conjunction with EMF poisoning.

In a publication entitled, “Can you damage your balls if you run in the wrong underwear?” it states: “A man has a natural ability to keep the [bean bags] drawn up close to the body, called the cremasteric reflex, but this isn’t enough if you’re running for long distances or fairly frequently.”

But what about when the marbles are too close to the body, for too long?

In a publication entitled “Skinny Jeans Cause Health Problems For Men” it states: “According to a new survey of 2,000 British men, tight-fitting jeans can cause urinary tract infections, twisted [chicken nuggets], bladder weakness and long-term health consequences.”

In an article about tight underwear and prostatitis it states: “Tight underwear would stimulate the [slappers] for a long time and lead to poor circulation of male pelvic cavity, then cause prostatitis and result in male infertility.”

It’s well known that poor blood circulation reduces available oxygen to cells which could be a contributing factor to developing cancer in the boys downstairs.

Men who wear loose fitting boxer shorts have higher sperm counts when compared to the grapes of men who wear tight undies.

Tight undies have also been found to be a potential cause of impotence and erectile dysfunction in the junk.

Our mountain oysters were never meant to be kept inside all day, in tight-fitting haram men’s yoga pants! So join me in freeing the southern treasures because the lives of your children may indeed depend on it!